Module 03 — Patterns
Understand your patterns: old protection, new choices.
Goal: help you see your loops as old protection instead of proof that you’re broken — and give you realistic ways to change. Your patterns are what your younger self came up with to survive.
Your patterns are not random.
Core idea: your patterns are not random. They’re what your younger self came up with to survive the situations you were in.
1. Patterns are old survival strategies
Many “annoying habits” were once clever ways to stay safe, connected, or less unsafe.
- Laughing everything off → kept you from being targeted.
- Forgetting your own needs → kept the peace in a chaotic home.
- Overachieving → earned love, approval, or safety.
- Choosing unavailable people → feels familiar if intimacy was always unpredictable.
2. They once protected you
Maybe:
- saying “yes” kept you out of trouble
- being “the good one” lowered the risk of anger
- disappearing kept you safer than being visible
Your system doesn’t automatically know you’re grown now. It still runs the old code as if you’re in the same dangers.
3. They repeat because they’re familiar
Familiar does not mean healthy — it just means known.
- If chaos was normal → calm can feel suspicious.
- If criticism was constant → kindness can feel unsafe.
- If chasing love was the norm → secure connection can feel boring or “off”.
So you might keep picking situations that feel like home, even if “home” was painful.
4. Recognizing patterns without shame
Instead of:
“I always ruin everything.”
Try:
“This is a very old pattern my system uses to avoid pain. I’m learning something new.”
Reflection prompts
- “Which reactions in my life feel old, automatic, or exaggerated for the current situation?”
- “Who or what does this pattern remind me of?”
- “If this pattern could speak, what would it say it’s protecting me from?”
Pick ONE pattern (e.g. scrolling for hours, texting exes, overworking, ghosting when overwhelmed)
and map it:
Trigger → Body reaction → Emotion → Story → Urge → Behaviour → Hidden need → Fear underneath
Example:
Trigger: Someone doesn’t immediately reply
Body: tight chest, hot face
Emotion: anxiety + shame
Story: “I said something wrong; they’re done with me.”
Urge: send 5 follow-up messages or say “forget it” and disconnect
Behaviour: over-text OR go cold
Hidden need: reassurance, feeling that you matter and are allowed to take up space
Fear: being abandoned for showing need
Just seeing this written out can be life-changing — it turns “I’m a mess” into a map.
The sentences that secretly run your life.
Core idea: your behaviour is powered by repeated sentences in your head that feel like facts, not opinions.
1. Repeating internal narratives
Common core stories:
- “I’m too much.”
- “I’m not enough.”
- “People leave.”
- “It’s my job to fix everything.”
- “My needs are a burden.”
- “If I relax, everything will fall apart.”
These often start in childhood, then get “proof” added in every relationship and work situation after.
2. What they sound like in real life
- Partner is quiet → “Here we go, they’re pulling away; I should tone it down.”
- You make a small mistake → “I’m such an idiot; everyone can see I’m not competent.”
- You think about saying no → “They’ll think I’m selfish; I’ll lose them.”
- “I’m too much.”
- “I’m not enough.”
- “People only stay if I give them everything.”
3. How stories shape behaviour
- “I’m too much” → shrink, make yourself palatable, always “chill”.
- “I’m not enough” → overwork, overgive, overexplain.
- “People always leave” → cling harder OR leave first.
- “I’m the problem” → apologize for everything, never ask for your own needs.
4. Which stories come from childhood
- Always being blamed → “I cause problems.”
- Praised only when helpful → “My worth is in what I do for others.”
- Parents emotionally unavailable → “I’m too much or not interesting enough.”
Seeing the origin doesn’t excuse harm you do now, but it explains your wiring — and gives you a starting point to rewire.
Reflection prompts
- “What story do I leap to the second something feels emotionally risky?”
- “Where do I remember feeling that same ‘truth’ as a child or teen?”
- “What does this story try to protect me from feeling?”
When you notice a strong narrative, fill in:
“The story I’m telling myself right now is ____.
No wonder I feel ____.
Another possibility is ____.”
Example:
“The story I’m telling myself is ‘They’re bored of me and pulling away.’
No wonder I feel panicky and small.
Another possibility is they’re exhausted and not great at communicating when they’re drained.”
You’re not forcing yourself to believe the new story; you’re creating space.
Transformation is made of micro-choices.
Core idea: transformation is made of micro-choices, not personality transplants. A 2-degree turn repeated will change your life.
1. Micro-choices create transformation
Think of a car: a 2-degree turn now puts you in a completely different place in 6 months.
- Saying “I’ll get back to you” instead of instant yes.
- Pausing 30 seconds before replying.
- Leaving the group chat for 10 minutes when triggered instead of fighting.
2. Noticing the choice-point
There’s often a split second where:
- your chest tightens before you agree
- your jaw clenches before you fire a text
- your body slumps before you start scrolling
That moment is gold. That’s where a new path can begin — not later, not in theory, but right there.
3. Interrupting the old reaction with compassion
Instead of:
“Ugh, here I go again, I’m pathetic.”
Try:
“Of course I want to do the old thing; it kept me safe. I’m allowed to test a new option.”
4. Building a new emotional path
- Trigger → Panic → People-please → Resentment → Collapse.
- Trigger → Notice → 3 breaths → honest “I need to think about it” → less resentment.
You don’t have to get it perfect for it to count. Each small deviation is you laying down a new track in your nervous system.
Reflection prompts
- “What is one micro-choice I can make the next time this pattern appears?”
- “If I were 10% kinder to myself, what would I do differently in that moment?”
- “What does my future, more regulated self do in this situation?”
Next time you feel a pattern kicking in, ask:
“What would a 10% better choice look like right now?”
Examples:
• Instead of staying 3 extra hours at work → leaving 30 minutes earlier.
• Instead of agreeing instantly → saying “Can I let you know tomorrow?”
• Instead of sending 10 messages → sending 1 honest one and then doing a regulation tool.
10% is sustainable. 100% is theatre.
Bringing it together: honour the pattern, walk a new path.
Seeing your patterns as old protection doesn’t mean you’re stuck with them forever. It means you can honour why they formed while slowly, gently choosing something different.
Each time you notice a loop, name it, and make even a slightly kinder choice, you’re becoming the person your younger self needed.